ADHD & Forgetting Friends

Spend enough time around people with ADHD and you will learn that they can appear forgetful, and if you don't think much more about it, then forgetful will appear to be a good enough explanation. Still, I am somebody who likes to think far too much about things, so let's have a look at ADHD “forgetfulness”, what's really going on, and how this can impact their friendships and relationships.

What we like to call forgetfulness is, in the ADHD world, often referred to as object permanence, although this term appears to be changing to object constancy. Object permanence is a developmental stage for humans, it is why peekaboo and other such surprises work with very young children, and it is when our brains forget that an object exists because we can no longer see it. This connection with early development is why the term appears to be changing to object constancy, as ADHDers do not have an underdeveloped cognitive ability akin to an infant. Therefore, it is a problem with an object no longer being in present view or focus, and can be better understood with the phrase “out of sight out of mind” or by thinking of the object needing to be both present physically and present in the mind. However, this can extend from objects to people as well.

Due to the ADHD brain being very much focused on the present, when objects or people cease to be in that focus, and there are no reminders of those objects or people, it can be very hard to be reminded that they exist. This isn't to imply that people with ADHD think that people or objects no longer exist, but that they have forgotten that they exist. A simple example of this is reading an email and thinking I need to respond to this, switching to something else briefly and then because the email is no longer present and the new thing has your attention the email ceases to exist in the present. That email goes unanswered until a reminder switches them back to the email, or a second follow-up email prompts them to respond, hopefully without distraction this time. It is like this, but for almost everything in your life, all at the same time. 

This whole process can become much more complex when we are talking about people and not objects. Do you have an ADHDer in your life that you love spending time with but appears to ignore you when you are not in their immediate vicinity? Well, the typical thinking of somebody ignoring you might be that they are mad, or upset with you, or that you have done something wrong. Heck, if it happens time and time again, you might be tempted to say to yourself “I am not going to put in the effort to maintain this friendship if they aren't doing the same”. However, this is not an intentional act on their behalf, you are out of sight, out of mind in the purest no ill will kind of way.

An example shared with me by an ADHD friend highlights some of the negative impacts that this can have.

“I was messaging this person on a dating app, and we were really hitting it off and were planning on meeting up for the first time, we had set a time and a date, and I set up reminders and notifications and everything. I DID NOT WANT TO FORGET. However, I had an important meeting at work, so I set my phone to Do Not Disturb, and I didn't remember to turn that off when we left. I got caught up by one thing and then another, important work bled into the weekend, and before I had realized the date had come and gone, and they didn't want to hear my excuses.”

This was not the first time something like this had happened to them. This highlights, perhaps to an extreme, the impact it can have on relationships. I have heard of family members getting angry at not hearing from people for ages, and friends cutting ties because of the lack of contact. The consequence of this is people feeling that they are a bad person because of how they treat others, feeling that it must be a choice of theirs because “other people don't behave like this”. A brief search online will bring up countless examples of ADHDers feeling horrible for forgetting people who are important to them.

So how do we go about supporting this struggle? What can ADHDers, friends, and family do to make this process easier?

Reminders:

Well, perhaps the easiest thing to do is set regular reminders to reach out to those important to you. Set them for a time when you are not doing much else, so you are less likely to get your attention stolen away. This could also involve agreeing to regular check-ins with the people you care about, this means that friends and family can do their part as well. An example of this is having a day when you regularly phone your parents/friends, you know they are free, and they know you are free. I use my walks home from work to check in on family, I will try and phone them and if they don't answer I send a message instead, but at this point I think my Dad expects a phone call from me most Tuesdays around lunchtime. 

Scheduling Messages:

So if you are anything like me, your brain is very active when you are trying to sleep. Often this involves thinking about people and wanting to send them a message, but it's late o’clock and that wouldn't be very nice. Well, many phones and messaging apps will let you either schedule a message for later or have a draft message that you can send in the morning. The same is true for many email services as well, which can come in handy if you don't want to be seen to be sending emails at odd hours. Scheduling messages will allow you to contact people when your mind thinks of them and not worry about if the time is appropriate, or perhaps if you are not in the headspace to reply right away.

Physical Reminders:

We have talked a lot about out of sight out of mind, and the problem with not being present means not being remembered at that moment. Well, there are solutions to this physical problem, photographs. A big change that I have noticed with the “digital age” is the reduced number of photographs in people's houses, and a consequence of this is that we have fewer reminders of important people in our lives in our living environment. As an ADHDer, you can put pictures of people you want to be reminded of in key locations where you will see them, and as a friend or family member, you can gift people a nice picture of the two of you. This is not a foolproof plan, obviously, but it does increase the chance of being reminded of those important people.

Talk About It:

Lastly, perhaps the most difficult to do is to talk about it. Sit down with the people in your life and talk about how you care about them and how not messaging is not an indicator of the contrary. Explain how your brain works, and ask them anything you might need. This is not always an option of course as many people struggle to understand that others can experience the world differently from them, but with those who listen it can be a great opportunity to have that conversation. I know of so many friend groups that don't speak for ages and then when one of the group is reminded and prompts the others to meet up they catch up and talk like it was only yesterday that they last spoke. There is nothing wrong with long periods of no communication if everybody is cool with it.

These are only a few suggestions, and I am sure that there are many more outs there, and perhaps you have your own way of managing these types of struggles. So remember the ADHD people in your life are probably not ignoring you and perhaps need a reminder of your existence, it's not you, it's not them, it's just the way their brain is wired, and it's not a bad thing, just a different thing.