Emotional Exploration: Shame

It is time once more for a monthly exploration of emotions, this month it is shame. This post is part of a bigger series of posts looking at different emotions, sometimes funny and other times more serious. The point of this series is to expand our emotional understanding and vocabulary or to reconnect with emotions that we might have forgotten about. The reasoning behind this is if we have the understanding and the vocabulary to match, it is easier for us to express how we feel, and communicate that better to others.

So why are we looking at shame? Well, it is something that I have been encountering a lot, especially in my neurodivergent clients, but not exclusively, and it is a powerful emotion that can have a real lasting impact years, and decades later. Shame is a more complex feeling than many may think, it is both a feeling we create in ourselves and can be given to us by others. Shame is that uncomfortable feeling of being humiliated or feeling guilty based on your actions or the actions of others. The feeling of shame can be extremely harmful, and in many cases debilitating. In fact, Carl Jung, a big name in psychology, referred to shame as a “soul-eating emotion” which paints quite the picture of how he viewed the impact of shame. Shame is something that can be long-lasting, and enduring, but it is not permanent, it can be worked on and can be changed.

It is no surprise then that shame comes up a lot in my line of work, as therapy offers a space where we can talk about anything and not be judged for it. Where better to talk about aspects of our lives we would rather hide? Working with shame, therefore, can be empowering for the client. Being able to accept and sometimes dissolve shame can have a real impact. It is this power that shame has on us that stops us from reflecting on shameful memories or actions in the same way we might others. However, when we feel empowered enough to do so we can change our understanding around those memories, and begin to dissolve the shame attached to them.

Shame can also be a useful tool when wielded correctly, and it can be used as a means of motivation. A good example of this is shaming an organization into changing a policy or its negative actions by bringing it to the attention of the public. However, shame can also be used as a tool of manipulation of individuals, for example saying to somebody “Oh you are not wearing that out are you?” as a means of shaming them into changing into something you consider more appropriate. Now, this version of shaming others might be coming from a good intention, but it can have a big impact on people. Everybody is different and an internal response to such a statement could vary from “That's a point, I forgot what I was wearing”, to “no matter what I wear it is never good enough” so knowing your audience and considering your intended impact is important.

Shame, the word and the emotion has always had a power to it and I do not see that changing anytime soon. So if you intend to unpack it and explore it do so with kindness and caution, and if you intend to wield it as a tool for change, do the same, use kindness and caution. Shame, after all, can be life-changing.