Emotional Exploration: Anger

This blog post is a continuation of a series where I will be exploring emotions, or more precisely our emotional vocabulary. All too often I encounter people who are sitting with some very big emotions but are unable to describe what they are feeling because they do not have the words to do so. This inability to describe how you are feeling often results in anger as you cannot express some big emotions, and therefore people are not able to understand your pain. This series aims to look into a wide range of emotional words that you may not have come across. We will break down what the word means using contextual scenarios and situations in which it could be used with the aim of providing people with a better means of expressing themselves.

This month we are looking at anger, one of the big three mentioned last time. I want to have a look at anger for a few reasons but mainly, as mentioned before, for the fact that it often arises as a cover for other feelings. If you have had me as a therapist, and we have discussed anger, then you will have likely heard me say that anger is a secondary emotion, it’s almost always covering up something else. For this reason, I often ask clients who say that they are angry to explain their anger without using the word anger, this sounds simple but can be a surprisingly useful exercise.

So let's have a look at five actual examples that have arisen from asking that question. Some of these emotions were named in response to my prompt, and others were named after exploring the feeling and working backwards to name the emotion.

Frustration:

A common response to “explain that feeling without using the word anger” is frustration. The feeling of frustration comes from an annoyance of not being able to achieve something you want, which is like our earlier example of not being able to name our feelings. You might think to yourself, so what I am now just calling my anger frustration instead, I am still feeling the same way. Being able to name that original anger as frustration though has highlighted that it is not just anger, it is a want for something that you are struggling to achieve, which means we can now explore how best to achieve said goal. Naming it as not anger allows us to progress and move forward.

Impassioned:

Often we find ourselves really passionate about something, caring deeply about something important to us, and seeming angry when unheard. Looking back, we can see that we were impassioned about something important to us. For example, somebody who finds themselves feeling “angry”, possibly yelling, at care home staff due to the care of their parents. It is easy to think that this person is simply angry, but to them, their loved one, whom they care deeply about, is not getting the correct care they need. They are filled with so many emotions, and trying to communicate something they care deeply about. They are making an impassioned plea for help. Whilst yelling at the staff is not the correct thing to do, understanding the emotion means we can yet again move away from the anger to explore the emotion underneath.

Sullen:

Sullenness describes the mood of somebody who is quiet, and generally unpleasant to be around, often referred to as grumpy. Whilst on the surface it might not seem like the typical anger, people who are sullen are quiet, and avoid social situations, which is often seen as being angry or “in a mood”. So if you are being told constantly to stop being angry, you might start to feel and think that you are angry. I have worked with many people who have been told to “go speak to somebody about being angry all the time”, only to find out that they are feeling down, or depressed and have subsequently stopped engaging with others. Again an example of some big impactful emotions that are being seen as anger. It takes a lot to get out of feeling constantly down, and this difficulty is only made more difficult if you do not understand that that is what is going on for you.

Offended:

Now offended seems like an obvious emotion to spot, somebody has said something rude, and you are angry and/or upset as a result. However, not all instances of being offended are as obvious as they might seem. An example that I came across recently was somebody who was great at their job and had a one-off accident that had no real impact, colleagues made a joke of it, and they accepted that they had messed up so thought nothing of it. Yet this anger was coming from apparently nowhere and just kept getting worse. When we explored their feeling of anger it was the feeling of being offended, not because of what their colleagues had said, but because their constant hard work was being overlooked for an accident that others make far more frequently. They had been offended by what had not been said more than what was being said. Acknowledging this allowed a conversation to be had, and for jokes to stop.

Uptight:

Uptight is a bit different from the prior examples as it is a more physical expression of anger. The uptight that I am talking about here is the feeling of holding in a lot of emotion, stress, worry, and an inability to relax. This in turn can make people constantly uncomfortable, on edge, and therefore quick to snap. The uptight feeling can grow gradually, but being able to recognize that you just cannot switch off, you are constantly on edge, and exhausted as a result, is important. Once you know this, it becomes easier to make changes to help it, for example, reduce stressors, change a bad coping mechanism, or make time to let off some of the pressure etc.

I hope these five examples have highlighted the variety of ways that anger can mask other emotions and feelings. Perhaps next time you are feeling a sense of anger in yourself or somebody else, take a moment to reflect on what might be lying underneath.